Already Gone

A few months back someone recommended a book to me.  The name of the book is “Already Gone: Why Your Kids will quit church and what you can do to stop it” by Ken Ham and Brit Beemer

Among the things they write in their book, they state that since 1969, 1500 churches in England have closed.  They also quote George Barna:

“A majority of twenty-somethings – 61% of today’s young adults – had been churched at one point during their teen years but they are now spiritually disengaged (i.e., not actively attending church, reading the Bible, or praying).

Ham and Beemer conducted their own study which led them to conclude that:

“We are losing many more people by middle school and many more by high school than we will ever lose in college.” p.32

“Many parents will fork out big bucks to send these students to Christian colleges, hoping to protect them in their faith.  But the fact is, they’re already gone.” p.32

In their study, they found about those who no longer believe that all of the accounts and stories in the Bible are true, that:

- 39.8% first had doubts in middle school

- 43.7% first had their doubts in high school

- 10.6% had their first doubts during college

To what does they attribute this? Two reasons:

1. The acceptance of Theistic Evolution by the church.

Theistic Evolution basically teaches that God used evolution to bring the different life forms into being.  That evolution happened over very long periods of time, much longer than. . . seven literal days.

In the late 18th century and early 19th century the scientific community in Europe began to propagate the theory of evolution, and what happened next was that many leaders of the church of England led the churches to believe the idea that the earth is millions or billions of years old and to try to reconcile this idea with the Bible.

Obviously, the way to do this was to reinterpret the days of creation as long periods of time.  Others adopted the “gap theory” explaining that there was a gap of millions of years between the first two verses of Genesis.

So here’s Ham and Beemer’s conclusion on this point:

“Effectively, the church basically hands over the history of the universe to the secular educational institutions, and concentrates on the spiritual and moral aspects of Christianity.  The church actually disconnects the Bible from the real world.  The children . . . in the churches are really taught that in the church, one doesn’t deal with geology, biology, and so on – that is for school.  In church we talk about Jesus – we deal with doctrines and we study moral and spiritual matters – but anything pertaining to understanding geology, astronomy, anthropology, and so forth is left in school.” p.78

“Please understand this!  Ninety percent of children from church homes attend public/government schools.  There, by and large, they are taught a biological, anthropological, geological, and astronomical history of the universe that totally contradicts the Bible’s account of creation, the Flood, and the Tower of Babel.” p.78

[By the way, I strongly recommend you rent and watch the movie “Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed.  With and by Ben Stein]

2. Attendance to Sunday School.

“Sunday school is actually more likely to be detrimental to the spiritual and moral health of our children.” p.38

His argument is that in Sunday School children are taught stories from the Bible, but because what they learn in public school totally contradicts the creation account, children actually begin to accept the fact that the Bible is not credible and therefore it is irrelevant in their lives.

I don’t believe they goes far or deep enough in their conclusions.

On point number 2 – Sunday School by its very nature, being on Sunday, undermines the Bible.  We can’t conclude the same about Sabbath School because Sabbath School, by its very nature, affirms the creation story, and thus validates the Bible.

But point number is more troublesome because so many of our own parents are sacrificing their children at the public school altar and then, when they begin to show signs of disconnect with the church, they want their kids to go to one of our colleges or universities.  The majority, by this point, don’t even want to go to an Adventist college or university – they conclude they are too restrictive, too conservative, etc.  In addition, their friends are going to public colleges. . .

But even those that attend an Adventist college already face a huge challenge.  Ham and Beemer conclude:

“A Christian college experience can be a very positive thing for a growing Christian’s faith.  But the numbers indicate that parents must look at their children’s early years in elementary and middle school to make sure they are prepared to defend their faith.  Because if they don’t, before they even get to college, they are already gone.” p.91-92

Whenever I hear that we’re spending too much money at the conference for Adventist education or for Adventist schools I can’t help but think of this book and ask myself, what is the price for our children’s eternal salvation?

As parents, am I willing to provide my kids with a large screen, flat panel, high definition TV, but not with the opportunity and the environment where my kids will have the best chance at salvation?

Do I want them to get the best education taxes can offer even if that means placing my kids in an environment where they will hear things which will cause them to question or doubt the validity of the Bible?

When I hear about the quality of education Adventist schools offer, compared to what the public schools offer, why do we still believe what they offer is better than what we have?

Every year I see the scores from national standardized tests and consistently they show that students in Adventist schools perform better than students in public schools, and yet many parents continue to buy into the lie that public schools are better than Adventist schools, and they have taught their children that Adventist schools are not as good as public schools and they are too expensive to boot. . . no wonder their children don’t want to attend our schools, following a myth instead of reality.

From the time our daughters were old enough to understand we taught them about the blessings of Adventist education, and we made it clear that they only had one choice until after college: Either they attended a church school, or they would have to have their mom and dad for their teachers.  Faced with that choice, they never, ever brought up the possibility of attending a public school.  Once you provide the choice of the “forbidden fruit” – public school – children will do anything to eat of that fruit.

I always said, when I get to heaven, if my girls are not there because they chose not to be, I want to face my God and tell Him – I provided them with everything they needed to have the best chance at salvation.  If I put them in public school, and don’t take them to church, and don’t spend time praying with them and studying the Bible with them at home, what will I tell my God?

We have our schools to provide our children with the best chance for them to come to know Jesus.  That chance, complemented with the work of the church and of the parents at home, will give them the best chance at salvation.

“Our ideas of education take too narrow and too low a range. There is need of a broader scope, a higher aim. True education means more than the pursual of a certain course of study. It means more than a preparation for the life that now is. It has to do with the whole being, and with the whole period of existence possible to man. It is the harmonious development of the physical, the mental, and the spiritual powers. It prepares the student for the joy of service in this world and for the higher joy of wider service in the world to come.”  {Ellen G. White, Education, p. 13}

“To restore in man the image of his Maker, to bring him back to the perfection in which he was created, to promote the development of body, mind, and soul, that the divine purpose in his creation might be realized–this was to be the work of redemption. This is the object of education, the great object of life.”  {Ibid, p.15}

True education, such as is offered in our schools – or should be offered, if it is not – should bring us all to the first four words of the Bible: “In the beginning GOD…”  because that is what everything is all about, to Him we owe it all, and to Him we’re preparing to go.  And no sacrifice is too big to make to ensure our children come to the same conclusion.

“In the beginning GOD.”

Matthew 18 and Internet Anonimity

I’m always fascinated by our attempts at circumventing what God tells us in His Word and still pretend we are following His will.  Matthew 18 is a case in point.  Just to refresh our minds, here’s the text as found in the New King James version of the Bible:

“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. (Mat 18:15-17 NKJV)

The process for reconciliation, as set by Jesus, is very simple.

1. “If your brother (or sister) sins against you…”  This is the first qualifier, which is why Jesus begins with the word “if.”
2. “Go and tell him/her his/her fault between you and him/her alone.”
Jesus didn’t say: “Write him/her a note,” “Tell someone else to tell him/her,” “Print the offense in the local newspaper,” or anything of the kind.  Furthermore, Jesus didn’t say, “Send him/her an anonymous note.”  Jesus made it very clear that the offended party has the responsibility to “GO” and “TELL” him/her, and no one else, “ALONE.”
3. If he/she will not hear, then TAKE with you one or two.  The action of “taking” one or two others makes it clear again that the offended party must be intentional and take the steps necessary to deal with the situation personally.
4. If he/she refuses to hear them, TELL it to THE CHURCH.  It is not appropriate to tell anybody else, much less the entire world, of the other person’s offense.  Tell the church, deal with it among the community of believers, because the goal is not punishment but restoration.
5. However, if he/she refuses to listen even to the church, even then Jesus does not authorize spreading the news of the offense or the incident with anybody or everybody else.   The Seventh-day Adventist Commentary, volume 5, explains: “By refusing the counsel of the church the erring member has severed himself from its fellowship (DA 441). This does not mean that he should be despised or shunned or neglected. Efforts should now be put forth for the erring member as for any nonmember.”

Before the internet was invented, those who wanted to circumvent Jesus’ instructions would relay on either gossip, which is a clear violation of the ninth commandment, or they would send anonymous letters to confront, or rather attack, the receiver.  In this internet age when we don’t send letters or greetings cards but prefer an e-mail (or a text message), anonymity has gone to a new level, particularly when it comes to dealing with personal problems we have with other people.  As I look at Matthew 18, if Jesus were living in our day I don’t believe He would say, “if anyone says or does something that hurts you, send him/her an e-mail, but don’t sign your name or use your own e-mail account so they can’t tell who you are.  If they don’t listen to you, send an e-mail to anyone on your distribution list and tell them about what they did to you and tell them that you ‘confronted’ them.  And if they still don’t come to you to apologize and beg for your forgiveness, then post it on Facebook, MySpace, or any other social network site for the whole world to see; that should teach them!”  And yet, that seems to be the approach that followers of Jesus want to take today – anonymous e-mails, or posts in blogs like this, rather than a personal visit (Jesus did say “go”) or at the very least a phone call, telling the person they are calling their name and what particular situation they are speaking of, and giving them a chance to listen, to respond, and if warranted, to apologize and have a chance to make things right.

Throughout my career I have received those anonymous letters, but fortunately early on I learned not to even bother reading them.  I figure, if they don’t have the decency and strength of character to tell me their concerns to my face then they are not worth reading. . . so, if there was no name or return address they went straight to the round file (the garbage can).  Nowadays, occasionally I receive an e-mail or someone posts a message on one of my blogs, with no name from the sender.  Not only that, but as is the case when there’s a blatant violation of the Matthew 18 principle, they do not mention a specific incident or concern but rather they make a global accusation.  I have learned to not bother responding but simply deleting it and it’s out of my computer, out of cyberspace, and out of my mind.  However, for the person who sent it, it is still unfinished business before God.

My plea through this blog is to follow Jesus’ principles as found in Matthew 18 and not hide behind a screen and keyboard while feelings toward someone else are preventing you from having a close relationship with God.  After all, the Scriptures say (1 John 4:20 NRSV) “Those who say, ‘I love God,’ and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have seen, cannot love God whom they have not seen.”

No Doubt

Make it a rule never to utter one word of doubt or discouragement. You can do much to brighten the life of others and strengthen their efforts, by words of hope and holy cheer.  {SC 119}

Our words have tremendous power to discourage or encourage others, to create doubt or hope, to bring sadness or joy.  We may think we’re venting our souls to friends and thus unloading our burdens before those we love and trust, but we may be inadvertently placing a burden on them which could weigh them down, if not crush them.

I think there is a time to speak with others, however, and that’s when we grieve and have sorrow as a result of a loss or pain.  During an illness, following the loss of a loved one, or during a time of crisis, it is important that we not bottle inside us the feelings we have but that we share them with a trusted friend or loved one.  Above all, we can unload our burden in prayer to God.  Ellen White, in the same paragraph quoted above, writes, “All have trials; griefs hard to bear, temptations hard to resist. Do not tell your troubles to your fellow mortals, but carry everything to God in prayer.”  Our God has bigger shoulders than any and all our friends or loved ones, and He’s not weighed down or bothered with our pain or sorrow.  But I also understand that sometimes the human touch is a wonderful healing balm for those whose soul is parched due to pain and grief.  Talk your pain and grief out, first of all with God, and then with a trusted friend or loved one, but be careful not to place on them a burden that will cause them to be weighed down, to stumble, or to fall.

The Prayer God Loves to Answer

For my morning devotional this morning I read these words:

The assurance is broad and unlimited, and He is faithful who has promised. When we do not receive the very things we asked for, at the time we ask, we are still to believe that the Lord hears and that He will answer our prayers. We are so erring and short-sighted that we sometimes ask for things that would not be a blessing to us, and our heavenly Father in love answers our prayers by giving us that which will be for our highest good–that which we ourselves would desire if with vision divinely enlightened we could see all things as they really are. When our prayers seem not to be answered, we are to cling to the promise; for the time of answering will surely come, and we shall receive the blessing we need most. But to claim that prayer will always be answered in the very way and for the particular thing that we desire, is presumption. God is too wise to err, and too good to withhold any good thing from them that walk uprightly. Then do not fear to trust Him, even though you do not see the immediate answer to your prayers. Rely upon His sure promise, “Ask, and it shall be given you.”  {Ellen G. White, Steps to Christ, p. 96}

We get so impatient when our prayers don’t seem to be answered the way we want to or when we want them to be answered.  But the words above remind us that God still answers our prayers, with the answer that He knows to be best for us, with the answer we would choose if we knew, like Him, the end from the beginning, the answer that, looking back, we know to be best for us and which brings us the most good.

I can recall so many times when I wanted something and yet it didn’t happen as I had wanted, which brought great disappointment,  only to receive later something many times better than what I had hoped for or prayed for.  If I had planned my life, it would most likely not be the way it has turned out; and yet, I’m very happy with the way it has turned out.

So, pray without ceasing and then watch to see what the Lord has in store for you.  Then, fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the ride.

Faithful Watchmen

Scripture: (Ezek 33:7 NKJV)  “So you, son of man: I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; therefore you shall hear a word from My mouth and warn them for Me.

Observation: Ezekiel speaks of the responsibility he, as God’s spokesman, bears to warn the people of both upcoming danger and also of their current condition as “wicked” and the results if they continue living in sin.

Application: Parents have a unique perspective over their children because they have lived longer, experienced more, and hopefully learned from their own experience so they can see what their children are doing and where their steps may lead them.  While children don’t want to hear those words from their parents, it is true that “I’ve been there” can be a wealth of experience that their children can benefit from.
This text reminds us as parents that we need to be responsible watchmen for our families in the two ways Ezekiel was to play that role:
1. Guidance for the Future.  Planing for the future, preparing children for what is to come, helping them to plan for the future – all these are the responsibility of each parent from before the children are born and throughout their life.
2. Guidance for the Present.  While children will complain that we are nagging them, we cannot neglect the responsibility to guide them and help them to live lives based on God’s principles as outlined in His word.  Obviously I would not recommend nagging your children but rather leading them by example.  And yet, do not fail to warn them and help them so they may make changes in their life rather than perish in their sin.

Prayer: Father, help us to be faithful watchmen for our children.

In Appreciation for Their Ministry

When I was a pastor in Oklahoma, I met a pastor of one of the local Baptist churches, a young man about my age.  We talked about the similarities between us – backgrounds, age, and church size, as we as our differences – where we went to school, where we grew up, our doctrinal differences.  One of those striking differences was in the way our congregations viewed the pastor and how they expressed their appreciation.  He was telling me how excited he was about the upcoming anniversary of his arrival at his church because, as he told me, he would receive $500 in cash and three new suits – at least that’s what they had given him the last five years since he first arrived.  It was their way of celebrating their time together as church and pastor and also one of the ways they expressed their appreciation for their spiritual leader.  He then asked me what I got from my church.  I guess I never thought about that because I had never received anything from either of the churches where I had served as their pastor.  In talking with other Adventist pastors about that, they informed me that Adventists feel that expressing appreciation to the pastor was the equivalent of clapping in the church, that is, it was giving glory to the person and not to God.  Others told me their church members would say things like, “we pay his salary, isn’t that enough?”
Well, I’m glad to say that not all churches or church members feel that way.  The Waukesha Community Church in Wisconsin, where I served as their pastor for seven years was always very kind and supportive of their spiritual leader and his family.  Christmas, birthdays, and wedding anniversaries were always times when we received cards, gifts, money, flowers, food, and many wonderful and memorable celebrations.  Every October, which is Pastor Appreciation Month was one of those times when the church made a special demonstration of their love for their pastor and his family.  Every September, at the end of the church board meeting for that month, I was “ordered” by the members to leave. . . because they wanted to decide on what they were going to do in October and how much would be spent out of the church funds and how they would get the entire congregation involved in the celebration.  One year, knowing that my guitar case was old and falling apart, I received a brand new, hard case which has protected my guitar ever since.  Another year, the church sent my wife and I to enjoy a romantic weekend at a hotel, all expenses paid for the two of us.  They didn’t forget my wife who received gift certificates, flowers, or clothes, and neither did they forget our girls who received stuffed animals, books, music, and candy at different times.  We still have the many hand written notes, letters, and cards we received through the years telling us of the ways they felt we had help them, the messages they had enjoyed or appreciated, the visits or special events in which we had participated.  At a time when cell phones were not commonly used by all, and were very expensive, the church offered us to make as many long distance calls to our family from the church as we wanted to, at their expense.
In my position as Ministerial Director of the conference I mail in September a letter to the head elder of every church to remind them and encourage them to set aside one Sabbath in October to express their appreciation to their pastor and his family, for their ministry to them, for the sacrifices they have made to serve them (like moving every few years leaving behind family and friends, or like having to sell and buy a house every time they move and often losing money on the process, or like having to pluck their children out of one school and from their group of friends and planting them in a new school among total strangers).  I encourage the head elders to gather their church board and their social committee to plan for a special day of celebration, and to also express their appreciation in tangible ways – cards, letters, gifts, food, a cake, gift certificates, a weekend getaway.  If the pastor or his wife live far from their home, maybe round trip tickets to see their family.  I encourage them to not forget the pastor’s spouse who is often forgotten even though they are such important part of the pastor’s ministry.  I also encourage the elder that in their planning they should keep in mind the pastor’s children, many of whom live under great pressure to be better than everybody else and who are often denied the freedom to express themselves and to be “normal” children.
October will be here soon.  If you read these words, take it upon yourself to talk to your church members and organize such an event to celebrate your pastor’s ministry and to express your appreciation for their service to the Lord and to His people – and don’t forget their family.

Even If Mom Forgets. . .

Scripture: (Isa 49:15-16 NKJV)  “Can a woman forget her nursing child, And not have compassion on the son of her womb? Surely they may forget, Yet I will not forget you. {16} See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; Your walls are continually before Me.

Observation: After Isaiah speaks of what God intends to do to punish Babylon and to free His people,  he then writes about how God will restore His people, because He has never forgotten them.  With longing God says, “Oh, that you had heeded My commandments! Then your peace would have been like a river, And your righteousness like the waves of the sea. {19} Your descendants also would have been like the sand, And the offspring of your body like the grains of sand; His name would not have been cut off Nor destroyed from before Me.” (Isa 48:18-19 NKJV) How much better they would have been, had they heeded God’s commandments. . .
In Chapter 49, God speaks some of the most tender words about His relationship with His children, even His wayward ones; those are the words of our text for today.

Application: I was blessed to be born to and raised by a very loving mother.  She thought of and prayed for each of her six children until the day of her death.  She sacrificed, worked hard, and did all she could to provide each with a warm, clean home, good, healthy food, and proper manners and education.  She left her birth home as a young wife to raise her family with the husband of her youth, the father of her children.  And after twenty-eight years of marriage, when she became a widow, she continued to work and look for ways to support her children still at home.  At an age when others would be starting to look forward to retirement, she left her homeland, her life-long friends, and moved to the U.S. with her two younger children in order to provide them with the best opportunities for a successful future.  At times she worked two jobs to support her two boys, cooked and cleaned for them, and saved what she could to help them and her other children now grown and married.
I read the words of God through Isaiah and understand it better because of my mother.  She never forgot any of her six children, even while they grew up and were far removed from their days of nursing.  Even while physically distant, and even when some of them seemed emotionally distant, she never stopped to have love and compassion for them.  And yet the text says that even if for some strange reason my mother had forgotten any of us, God never would, never did.
Praise God for my mom!  Praise God. . .!

Prayer: I thank You, Father, for my mother and all the gifts of love, compassion, and care You gave me all wrapped up in her heart.  I look forward to resurrection morning when we meet again to never be apart forever.

Two Are Better Than One

Scripture: (Eccl 4:9-12 NKJV) Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. {10} For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up. {11} Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; But how can one be warm alone? {12} Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

Observation: Solomon writes of things he has evidently drawn from his personal experience in his search for true joy and happiness. After having experienced just about everything a man in his position can, he comes to realize that none of it brings him true, lasting happiness. It is then that he faces the reality that true, lasting happiness comes from loving and serving God. In today’s verses, Solomon speaks of the value of TWO. The Bible Knowledge Commentary explains:

In contrast with the futility of selfish greed, Solomon commended sharing with others by citing several advantages that come from companionship: better profit (a good return) from one’s labor (v. 9), help in time of difficulty (v. 10), comfort in time of need (v. 11; one’s body heat can keep another person from freezing), protection in time of danger (v. 12). The last three of these are illustrated by examples from the benefits of two persons traveling together. In the case of the second and third of these (vv. 10b, 11b) Solomon lamented the perils of isolation (characteristic of selfish greed; cf. “a man all alone,” v. 8a).

Having set forth the advantages of joint effort and the mutual benefits of sharing one’s toil and its fruit with another, Solomon stated climactically that if two are better than one (v. 9) then three are even better (v. 12). One’s efforts and benefits should not be confined to merely two persons.

Application: It’s interesting that Solomon had this insights which have now proved to be correct based on current marriage research. The advantages of marriage include, among others, financial, social, educational, health-wise. Financial, married people enjoy better finances because they have more stable jobs, and have more plans for their future therefore tend to save more, spend less, and invest more wisely. Social, the couples’ commitment to each other and to their relationship are stronger than among those who simply live together. When it comes to health, married man in particular are healthier than single men – maybe because of their spouse’ attention or because of their insistence they visit the doctor or eat better or exercise. Psychologically, single and divorced women tend to have higher levels of depression than married women.

So, if you’re married, count your many blessings. Some married people look at the other side of the marital fence, at single life, as one which would give them the happiness they desire, and when they jump to that side of the fence they find out that married life actually offered them a much better condition altogether. Stay in your marriage, fight for it, work to make it better; the benefits are plentiful and measurable.

Prayer: Father, thank you for designing marriage for our benefit. Bless our unions that we may enjoy and appreciate those benefits and the spouse with whom we get to enjoy them.

The Sweet Honeycomb

Scripture: (Prov 16:24 NKJV)  Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

Observation: Another practical bit of marriage advice from Solomon.

Application: While these words don’t seem to be directed specifically to married couples – in reality they can apply to anyone and to any relationship – they are wonderful advice to a husband who wants to connect emotionally with his wife.  My mother taught us, from the time we were small, to express public appreciation for even the simplest of acts – cooking, doing the laundry, mowing the lawn, putting up a nail on the wall to hang a picture, etc.  In marriage, sometimes we begin to take each other for granted and eventually end up neglecting one another or neglecting to express appreciation for what each does for the other.
So, how do you praise your wife?  Think about even small things she does, even the ones you think are normal, everyday, maybe even expected acts or responsibilities, and thank her and compliment her for them.  Here are a few ideas and examples of what to thank her or compliment her for, and how to do it:
- Thank you for dinner; it was very good.  Thank you for making an effort to prepare good, healthy, nutritious, good-tasting (your own words) meals.
- I appreciate you washing and folding my clothes; they smell good, it makes it easier for me to put  them away, I’m glad I have clean clothes to wear . . . etc.
- I’m grateful that you are so careful with our funds, that you watch carefully our budget, that you don’t spend money unnecessarily, that you check with me before making large purchases. . . etc.
- I love the way that dress looks on you, that you take care of yourself, the way you conduct yourself  around others, how kind you are to the kids, how sweet you are to me. . . etc.
- Thank you for keeping the house clean, I appreciate the way you decorate the house, the flowers/plants you got make our house look so nice and fresh. . .etc.
- Thank you for the many hours you work to help us with our finances, for the long hours you work outside the house (or at home), for your great contribution to our life (or home, or family). . . etc.

Dennis Rainey, in his Family Life Marriage Bible, writes: Speaking pleasant words to your spouse helps to establish and strengthen emotional connections.  As you work to make a genuine connection with your words, go below the surface to the real issues of life.  Share with her, for example, what goes on at work.  Most women love hearing all the details.  You’ll also discover that she can provide wise counsel on the issues you face.
Make a special effort, then, to use pleasant words with your spouse, words that build them up and  encourage them, words that build emotional connections between the two of you, words that are “sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.”

Prayer: Father, use our mouth and the words that come out of it to build up our spouse and thus strengthen our relationship.

Don’t Release the Water

Scripture: The beginning of strife is like releasing water; Therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts. (Proverbs 17:14)

Observation: Another one of the many wise saying from Solomon contained in this book.

Application: How many times we wished we had not said something?  How many times we wished we had not had an argument with our spouse, particularly when we know we started it, when we know we know we were wrong to begin with and now we don’t know how to fix it?
Solomon’s advice is so good and practical and one we should keep in mind.  One strife, or an argument, or a fight begins, it is so hard to stop it before it cause harm to one, both, or to the relationship.  Words fly, feelings are hurt, resentment sets in, forgiveness is hard to come, peace and harmony take a while to return.  It is so much easier to stem the flow before it is too late.  Instead, PRACTICE THE PREVENTION RULE.  Benjamin Franklin was on target when he stated, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.”  We must learn to resolve conflict before it starts. God’s instruction on this point is clear: “The beginning of strife is like the letting of water. Stop the flow before it starts. Quit before the quarrel breaks out.”  – Proverb 17:14
Here are some suggestions:
1. LOOK FOR AREAS WHERE YOU ARE TO BLAME.  When you look for your responsibility in the conflict, it causes the other party to soften and often come to your defense.
2. ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS.
• Is it a Worthy Battle? Proverb 19:11 – PICK YOUR BATTLES. Those with good sense are slow to anger, and it is their glory to overlook an offense.    (Proverbs 19:11 NRSV)  Is this really a big deal? Do you want to have conflict over this? Is it really worth the anxiety and agony? Anyone who has ever played basketball knows that during a game there is going to be what is called “incidental contact.”
• Am I Wrong?  Be quick to say “I was wrong.” If you say that simple phrase to your family members, it will open a highway of opportunity for real discussion. If you are wrong, admit it. It isn’t a big deal. Sometimes we’re wrong. By admitting it, we will stop the flow of conflict. . . . immediately.
• Should I React or Respond? To React – Instinct, Impulse, or To Respond – Takes Thought.  When we react, we don’t think, we just act! There is a huge difference between reacting and responding. To react requires no intelligence, only instinct. But to respond, you have to get that three-pound chunk of gray matter in your head involved. Responding requires time; it takes the facts. Only when you respond will you have a chance to resolve conflict.  In conflict, too many of us react when we should respond. Be certain you respond; don’t just react with a knee-jerk, thoughtless reply.
• What Difference Is this Going to Make in My Life in Three Days? What Impact Will it Have in Five Years?   Many times, if you will ask these two questions, you’ll find that what might have been a ridiculous conflict is simply not worth the battle in the scheme of the big picture.  In his classic book,  Brave New World, Aldous Huxley made a very intriguing observation: “When two parties argue for an extended period of time, both are wrong.”  Philippians 2:14 admonishes us to do all things without   complaining   and disputing.  When you say the right thing in the wrong way, it becomes the wrong thing to say even though it might be right!

Here are a few suggestions as to how to say things more effectively to one another.

• Use the Still, Small Voice.  If we got down close to the ear of our child and whispered, the power of those words was amazing. The spirit in your heart affect’s the tone of your voice. If you’re filled with unresolved bitterness and resentment, it will come out in your voice.  Lower your voice. Take a deep breath and speak in measured tones. If you’re in a rage, step away and calm down. No one listens when you’re shouting, but everyone does when you whisper.  Watch your body language and eye contact. A certain demeaning toss of the head or look in the eye can make the hearer angry and defensive.
• Maintain Your Sense of Humor.  We can resolve many conflicts by simply allowing ourselves to laugh at the circumstance and at ourselves.
• Don’t Get Personal.  Don’t say irresponsible things about each other with the intent to hurt and
demean. That’s attacking the person, not the issue at hand.  Address the issue, not the individual.
• Don’t Bring up the Past.  Don’t bring up issues from the past and attempt to use them in the current conflict to win the verbal battle and bolster your position.
• Don’t Get off the Subject.  Don’t get off the subject by widening your argument to issues unrelated to the current conflict and discussion.  * Remember, he who angers you controls you.  Anyone can take away your freedom, but remember, the most important human freedom is your freedom to choose your attitude in any circumstance.
• Avoid Statements That Are Impossible to Defend.  One person may say, “I asked you to pick me up at school.” The other may reply, “No, you didn’t!” The first person responds, “Yes, I did!” This interaction is endless and fruitless. Make sure your statements are the truth.
• Avoid Six Fatal Phrases:
1. “You always. . . .”  No one always does anything.
2. “You never. . . .”  Again, you cannot accurately use the word “never” about another person’s behavior or choices.
3. “You should/could have. . . .”  Stay out of the past. How can you rationally discuss something someone “should” have  done? You can’t go back. Operate in the present.
4. “Why didn’t you. . . .”  – You can’t rewind the clock. . . .  This statement is certainly not part of a good, healthy conversation.  If you ask a person, “Why didn’t-you. . . .?” there is no way they can “rewind” the experience and fix what they have already done. It is a waste of breath.
5. “I would have. . . .”  Now you’re getting arrogant. “I” would have done it this way or that way. “I” wouldn’t have made that mistake. This remark only separates you and your listener even more and breaks down any chance for productive interaction.
6. “You make me. . . .” – No one makes you!  This one’s a real dandy. Talk about taking away all responsibility for personal behavior.  This statement is the king of them all! No one makes anyone else do anything. We choose. We are in control of our own actions and choices. Instead of saying, “You make me…,” say to the other person, “I feel…,” and explain your emotions from your perspective.

Replace Those Six Phrases with These.
1. “In the future…”  This is a proactive statement. It gives both of you a positive position for a beneficial conversation and takes the defensiveness and sting of accusation out of your interaction. For example say: “In the future, would you please leave my keys on my desk and not in the car?”
2. “Next time…”  You cannot change what has already happened. There are no magic wands in families which will unspill the milk or magically erase a word or deed. For a more positive approach to how you say things, try this. For example, say: “The next time you find out you will be late picking me up after work, I would really appreciate it if you would call and let me know.”
3. “What would have to happen…” – Open-Ended Gives the other person a chance to respond.
A person who is given the opportunity to think about their ideas, thoughts, position, or interest in a matter will be much more open to what you have to say. This phrase is one of our most important suggestions related to how you talk to someone. For example say:  “What would have to happen for you to be more helpful around the house with the children?”

Prayer: Father, help us to stop fights and arguments before they begin and thus maintain the peace in our homes we all long for so that they will be a haven of rest for all who dwell within.