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Posts Tagged ‘Husband’

She stretches out her hands to the distaff, And her hand holds the spindle. Proverbs 31:19 (NKJV)

 

  1. Bradford Wilcox[i], compiled four keys that emerged from the couples she contacted where the wife was the primary breadwinner. These keys are consistent with what we know about what makes for happy marriages among today’s families. The first one is to appreciate the difference a dad makes.  The second one is to keep your sex life hot.  She then added maintaining a shared faith as the third one.  Finally:
  2. Focus on teamwork, not me-work. When we get married we stop thinking of work in terms of our own individual professional status, income, or satisfaction and instead approach work from a more teamwork-oriented perspective.  One of the men in Bradford Wilcox’ research told her: “The measure is not competing W-2’s between man and wife, but creating a life, and managing behaviors that produce good kids.”

The question is how you choose to divide work and family time; that is different for each family.  According to the 2010-2011 Survey of Marital Generosity, spouses who “see their relationship in terms of ‘we’ versus ‘me’” are more likely to report they are happily married, and much less likely to report that their marriage is likely to end in separation or divorce.

One important item needs to be emphasized:  praise and affirmation helps.   Many men feel inadequate as financial providers for their family.  It is critically important that you tell your husband those things you appreciate about him, and what a great husband he is, and how much it means to you that he takes the extra time to help the kids with homework.  Those words can help your husband understand that you feel providing doesn’t just mean money.

The reality is that the four keys that came out of Bradford Wilcox’ research are good not just for households where the mom is the breadwinner, this is good advice for all couples, regardless of who brings home the biggest paycheck.

Father God, help us to work together as a team under your guidance and to triumph together as a couple and as a family.

[i] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/06/18/more-than-money-how-to-make-a-marriage-work-when-shes-bringing-home-more-bacon/?postshare=1881434629420032&utm_source=IFS+Main+List&utm_campaign=53b6201f47-Newsletter_87&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c06b05f1ff-53b6201f47-104541745

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She girds herself with strength, And strengthens her arms. Proverbs 31:17 (NKJV)

 

  1. Bradford Wilcox[i], compiled four keys that emerged from the couples she contacted where the wife was the primary breadwinner. These keys are consistent with what we know about what makes for happy marriages among today’s families. The first one is to appreciate the difference a dad makes.  The second one is to keep your sex life hot.
  2. Maintain a shared faith. Many of the happily married fathers in female breadwinner families Bradford Wilcox contacted credit their shared faith as the glue that holds their marriage together. In general, a shared religious faith is one of the strongest predictors of marital quality.  Research has shown that those couples that report that God is at the center of their marriage, that attend religious services together, and that are involved in the life and mission of their faith community are more likely to say they are very happy in their marriages.   Being engaged in a church gives men a unique sense of purpose as a husband and father as well as a community where a family-centered way of life is honored.  In addition, being part of a faith community also serves as one way to deepen intimacy with their wives; in fact, Bradford Wilcox’ research indicates that couples who share a strong faith are significantly more likely to report high levels of sexual satisfaction.

A shared faith is not only important for our marriage but also for our family and particularly our children.  Take a look at these words:  “Every family is a church, over which the parents preside. The first consideration of the parents should be to work for the salvation of their children. When the father and mother as priest and teacher of the family take their position fully on the side of Christ, a good influence will be exerted in the home. And this sanctified influence will be felt in the church and will be recognized by every believer. Because of the great lack of piety and sanctification in the home, the work of God is greatly hindered. No man can bring into the church an influence that he does not exert in his home life and in his business relations.”[ii]

Father God, help us to have a strong faith, as husband and wife, so we may have a healthy marriage and family relationship.

[i] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/06/18/more-than-money-how-to-make-a-marriage-work-when-shes-bringing-home-more-bacon/?postshare=1881434629420032&utm_source=IFS+Main+List&utm_campaign=53b6201f47-Newsletter_87&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c06b05f1ff-53b6201f47-104541745

[ii] White, E.G.  Child Guidance, p. 549

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She is like the merchant ships, She brings her food from afar. Proverbs 31:14 (NKJV)

  1. Bradford Wilcox[i], compiled four keys that emerged from the couples she contacted where the wife was the primary breadwinner. These keys are consistent with what we know about what makes for happy marriages among today’s families. The first one, which we considered yesterday, is to appreciate the difference a dad makes.
  2. Keep your sex life HOT. According to Bradford Wilcox, one of the best predictors of men’s marital happiness is the quality of their sexual relationship. As a wife, you need to make time for weekly date nights, focusing on cultivating a strong sex life, and otherwise making a joint effort to keep the spark alive.  Obviously, all these are challenging tasks when kids are part of a couple’s life, but they are crucial for any marriage.  Sex is especially important if a man is feeling inadequate because he is not the primary financial provider of the family.

Shaunti Feldhahn, the bestselling author of the book For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, and a wife who has earned more than her attorney husband in recent years, due to her best-selling books, says that “Many women don’t realize that physical intimacy is primarily an emotional need for a man.” She adds that she has “found that when a wife shows her husband that she desires him, it gives him confidence in the other areas of his life. Men carry around a lot of self-doubt, and sexual affirmation truly makes a difference to a man who is struggling.”

These are very encouraging words:  “Your companionship in the marriage relation should be close and tender, holy and elevated, breathing a spiritual power into your lives, that you may be everything to each other that God’s word requires. When you reach the condition that the Lord desires you to reach, you will find heaven below and God in your life.  Remember, my dear brother and sister, that God is love and that by His grace you can succeed in making each other happy, as in your marriage pledge you promised to do.”[ii]

Father God, help us to maintain a healthy sex life so that our marriage will be strong and Satan’s temptations will never win in our marriage.

[i] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/06/18/more-than-money-how-to-make-a-marriage-work-when-shes-bringing-home-more-bacon/?postshare=1881434629420032&utm_source=IFS+Main+List&utm_campaign=53b6201f47-Newsletter_87&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c06b05f1ff-53b6201f47-104541745

[ii] White, E.G.  The Adventist Home, p.112.

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She considers a field and buys it; From her profits she plants a vineyard. (Prov. 31:16).

For many men, having a wife who is the primary breadwinner isn’t always easy.  Even though a growing share of married mothers earn the majority of income for their families, some men in homes with female breadwinners find this new reality hard.  Working wives, who are contributing to the financial welfare of their families, are not to blame.  Nevertheless, traditional gender norms can make it harder for female breadwinner families.

According to W. Bradford Wilcox[i], “when she earns more than he does, husbands and wives were less likely to report they are ‘very happy,’ more likely to report they have had marital troubles, and more likely to indicate they have discussed separating in the past year.”  She adds that “another new study, focusing on young adults who were married as of 2001-2011, showed that husbands are also significantly more likely to cheat when their wives earn markedly more than they do.”

Bradford Wilcox poses two questions for consideration:  What’s a family man to do to keep his marriage strong when she earns more? And how can a breadwinner wife best keep the love alive?   She contacted a number of husbands and wives who are happily married in female breadwinner families to get their opinions as a result of which four keys emerged that are consistent with what we know about what makes for happy marriages among today’s families.

  1. Appreciate the difference a dad makes. As the wife, you need to be particularly attentive to and appreciative of all the ways in which your husband plays a unique and important role as a father. Ample research has shown that in general dads are more likely to engage in rough and physical play with their children, to challenge their kids to embrace life’s opportunities, and to take a stronger line when it comes to discipline, compared to moms.  It is important you affirm your husband for his contribution as your kids’ soccer coach, tutor, camping guru, or stay-at-home parent, and to make sure your friends and family know how proud of him you are.

 

Father God, help me to appreciate and affirm my husband.

[i] https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/inspired-life/wp/2015/06/18/more-than-money-how-to-make-a-marriage-work-when-shes-bringing-home-more-bacon/?postshare=1881434629420032&utm_source=IFS+Main+List&utm_campaign=53b6201f47-Newsletter_87&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_c06b05f1ff-53b6201f47-104541745

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Oh, that you were like my brother, Who nursed at my mother’s breasts! If I should find you outside, I would kiss you; I would not be despised. Song of Songs 8:1 (NKJV)

In addition to reviewing the ABD’s of your relationship, you should also keep in mind the 1-2-3’s of it.  As with the ABC’s, Ann Malmberg[i] says these are not some deep, life-changing tips, but rather a fun, easy way to bring that back-to-school feeling of excitement and anticipation into your relationship:

1 date per week –or at least 1 per month. You probably have heard often how important it is to prioritize a date.  And yet, as much and as often as we hear about it many of us still fail to do it.  When we were dating, one date a week did not seem enough, but now that we’re married we just don’t think it is important; but it is. Don’t think about in terms of expensive dinners or events.  It’s not really about how much money you spend or how dressed up you get (although that can be fun!).  Rather, it is about carving out some time to focus on, renew, and sustain your relationship and the sense of being a team, which existed before the kids were born, bills came every month, housework that needs to be done, and everything else that tends to crowd our lives after the honeymoon period is over.

2 gives for every take.  Be considerate, unselfish, and thoughtful of your spouse and his/her needs.  Remember how when making friends it helped to be kind, and you likely put extra effort into being considerate and thoughtful? Your spouse deserves this same consideration and courtesy.  You will score many more points that way than by being demanding, selfish, and unkind.

3 kisses (at least!) each day. Kiss each other good morning, goodbye, and good night. Kissing helps us maintain closeness and intimacy.  At the same time, some research showed that a quick, passing kiss may not be enough, and they recommend at least a 10 second kiss.  You don’t have to be in a hurry if you want to reconnect with your spouse.

Father God, while we may not be able to implement every one of these tips, help us to start with one as we strive to strengthen our marriage.

[i] https://blog.prepare-enrich.com/2015/09/abcs-123s/

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You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. Psalm 139:2 (NKJV)

Now that school has begun, it’s a good time to examine your marriage and review the ABC’s of your relationship.  Ann Malmberg[i] suggests that these are not some deep, life-changing tips, but rather a fun, easy way to bring that back-to-school feeling of excitement and anticipation into your relationship.

Act like kids. Sometimes we’re so busy with our daily responsibilities and living like adults, that we don’t have time to have some fun.  Of course, this can be hard, especially if you have children of your own.  We would not suggest you abandon your responsibilities or neglect your family, but once in a while you may want to sneak in some time to laugh and be less than serious together.  A simple thing like that can help you to keep things in perspective.  Watch your diet, yes, but every so often you may make sundaes for dinner.  Watch some of those old shows you watched as a kid.  Tease each other, in a good and respectful manner, not intended to hurt or put down the other.  Go out of your way to make each other laugh. Sometimes we just need a reprieve, even for just a few minutes, from the day-to-day seriousness and responsibility.

Be excited to see each other.  Sometimes we’re so busy being adults that we take each other for granted.  Remember the time when the thought of seeing the other person was what got you through the day, and everything else was secondary?  Try to recall that feeling, and hold it close to you throughout the day. Anticipate the reunion, and prepare to make it memorable for both of you.

Check in. Take time every day to check in with your spouse about his/her day.  Sit down for a few minutes and talk about the important things as well as the minor details, but perhaps more importantly, his/her mental/physical/emotional state. You may find out that you’re both feeling stressed or overextended. If that’s the case, please see letter A!

Father God, sometimes we are so rushed in our life that we forget to stop and smell the roses.  Help us to make the time to renew our relationship each day.

[i] https://blog.prepare-enrich.com/2015/09/abcs-123s/

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A man who is in honor, yet does not understand, Is like the beasts that perish. Psalm 49:20 (NKJV)

Meghan Holohan[i] speaks of research to learn the relational effects of “Phubbing.” The authors wanted to determine how much people use or get distracted by their cellphones when with they’re with their significant others.  What they found is that when people perceive their partners to be phubbers it created conflict in the relationship.  Yesterday we posted the first five items.  Today, continue to answer the rest of the nine questions and then add up the score:

  1. During leisure time that my partner and I are able to spend together, my partner uses his/her cell phone.
  2. My partner does not use his or her phone when we are talking .
  3. My partner uses his or her cell phone when we are out together.
  4. If there is a lull in our conversation, my partner will check his cell phone.

According to the researchers, 46.3 percent of respondents said their partners phubbed them, and 22.6 percent said it caused issues in their relationship. Evidently, even momentary cell phone distractions add up. If one partner is repeatedly distracted by his or her phone, chances are the other partner begins to feel less and less satisfied with the relationship.  They also concluded that even if couples don’t show signs of problematic phubbing, people still feel rejected when loved ones pay more attention to their phones.

So, what could/should you do to combat phubbing?  Holohan recommends you have empathy, and speak up.  As she says, “partners should be able to tell each other not to bring phones out during a date or special events. If someone’s expecting an important call, she should let her partner know. She may even consider rescheduling the date for a night when she’s less distracted.”  You may also gently state that it makes you feel bad and ask please to desist that practice.

Father God, help us to not allow electronic distractions to interfere in our relationship but to focus on each other through good communication, eye contact, and active listening.

[i] http://www.today.com/health/does-he-love-his-cellphone-more-you-survey-t47046

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